First, how can I prevent messing up when I'm facing emotional difficulties?
In my experiences, this requires the self-knowledge to know when you are going to not be able to cope and what your not-coping behaviour might be. This further requires the interpersonal skills to communicate your circumstances and needs prior to catastrophe. Enactment this strategy has been essential for me as a student leader, and I expect it will be essential as a teacher or other role with authority.
For example: During a very emotionally difficult phase, a committee I was leader of what not pulling their weight. This meant that on top of my personal struggles, I was doing at least 3-5 times the work of everyone else in the team. I felt overwhelmed, unappreciated, disrespected and on the edge of total breakdown. However, instead of breaking down, I wrote a carefully-composed letter outlining the problem, how I felt about it, how it impacted on my personal struggles, and what I desperately needed from the committee. I slept on it, had a neutral friend proof read it (to check my rationality), edited it and sent it to the members. The result was a catastrophe averted! My committee immediately responded to my clear and open communication, they cared about my circumstances, and improvement was immediate. Further, it strengthened our bond as a team and lead to better cooperation in the long term.
But what can I do when I do inevitably mess up?
Crises cannot always be averted. When I can't cope and mess up I have a 4-step strategy I employ that has served me well. Even though these skills apply to all interpersonal contexts, after outlining the steps I'll focus on the professional aspects through two "case studies" from my own life.
1.) Communicate acknowledgement of what you have done
This step is difficult for some people, who naturally try protect themselves through believing they are in the right when they aren't, or maybe when they are only partially in the wrong. This is dangerous! In the real world, if you mess up, it makes life harder for the people around you. In doing that you damage relationships which need to be repaired. The first thing you need to do is explicitly acknowledge that you have messed up. Don't let pride or self-pity tempt you into justifying your misdoings. This won't help anyone and will further damage your relationships.
Note that this comes *before* explaining your circumstances, lest you find yourself making excuses rather than acknowledging wrongs.
2.) Apologise
This should hopefully follow naturally after acknowledging your wrongdoings (if not, you need to seriously think about why you don't want to apologise!). While you can't undo what has been done, a sincere apology can undo some of the hurt or emotional distance you may have caused. Rather apologise than not, as a missed apology can damage a relationship permanently. Also note that it needs to be an explicit apology. By that I mean not just "I'm sorry" but "I'm sorry for..."
3.) Communicate your circumstances
Now you have the opportunity to explain yourself. Note: *explain* not *excuse*. Making excuses can undo everything you have said up till now. It's hard to know how much is appropriate to share, as that has a lot to do with circumstances. Preferably communicate enough so that the person may use empathy to understand your struggles.
4.) Ask for leeway until you find your feet
If you can't cope with life right now, chances are you'll need some time to recover. I personally find it very difficult to ask for help or leeway, but I learned the hard way that it is essential at times. Be realistic about what you are capable with and how much leeway others are able to give you.
Case study 1: When I've managed to implement the strategy
Last year my grandmother died. It was expected, but it still hit me harder than I anticipated. That week I failed at everything, especially my duties at my part time job. I missed meetings, due dates, ignored my emails and generally screwed up. I was a fumbling mess at best. As soon as I was able, I sent emails to everyone I had inconvenienced. I acknowledged what I had done wrong, I apologised for it, I explained my circumstances and I asked for some leeway. Most people know what it is like to lose a family member or someone close to you, so everyone immediately understood, forgave me, and no relationships were damaged.
Case study 2: When it's just too hard
Sometimes life hits you so hard and so slyly that by the time you realise what has happened you don't know what to do and it might feel like it is too late. During a more severe period of mental illness, I screwed up more than I had even realised. I was called into work for a talk. My boss (for lack of a better word) is a kind and motherly person, so she approached the topic gently. I still cried of course, which I hate doing in a professional setting. I had tried so hard to just cope without asking for help and without communicating that I was struggling but that only lead to me making everyone else's life difficult. I felt so guilty and so sorry, which I think was thankfully obvious because I don't know if I ever found the words to say so. What made it worse is that I couldn't bring myself to explain my circumstances - she didn't know I had a chronic mental illness. My boss tried to find explanations to my actions and failures, as I am an otherwise competent individual, and I couldn't tell her what was really going on in my life. I felt powerless beneath my mental illness symptoms and powerless in terms of my barriers to being understood. Thankfully my colleagues are forgiving people, and we moved on from there as if nothing had happened. The experience was so traumatising for me, however, that it made me rethink how I need to cope with my personal difficulties within the workplace setting. That day hung heavy over me for a long time, until finally about 6 months later I found the courage to tell my boss about my chronic mental illness and finally explain my failures all that time ago. I'm lucky that I have the kind of relationship with her that I can do that. Many people suffering from mental illness face great stigma and never have the opportunity to be open with colleagues about their experiences. Even so, to implement my 4-step strategy to the best of one's ability (even if step three is simply "personal difficulties") can prevent a lot of harm, especially in circumstances less forgiving as the ones I find myself in.
An extra note for the educator
To keep this explicitly relevant to education, I feel that this topic is especially relevant in the classroom. As an educator, your relationship with learners is not just personal or professional, it is key to their education. Learners learn best in an environment where they like and trust their educator. A learner needs to feel like they are being treated fairly and with respect. Unfortunately, the classroom is not a power equitable environment. Often educators feel they "don't need to" acknowledge and address their wrongdoing (consciously or not). Pride becomes and issue - "They are the teacher, therefore they are right". However, if a teacher does not acknowledge mistakes, apologise for the impact their mistakes on learners, explain (as much as is appropriate) their circumstances and ask for leeway, serious consequences happen. First, learners' relationship with the educator will be damaged, which can ruin the educational environment of the classroom. If not respected, learners may come to dislike the class or even the subject, which impacts on their wellbeing and academic success. Second, the educator is a poor role model and may reinforce or introduce maladaptive strategies that the learners use in their own lives.
Being an educator carries great responsibility. Our learners are both clay to be molded and the future of our society.
In summary:
"Life happens" to all of us. It's through self knowledge and interpersonal skills that we can behave professionally regardless of what life throws at us. No personal circumstances can excuse disrespecting or harming others. If something happens, we need to have the strength to apologise and explain (but not try and excuse) our behaviour. This not only helps to repair injured relationships, but also can be preventative in nature.
Things are hard sometimes. If you're going through a hard time as you read this, may this episode's dose of "aww" bring you some comfort:
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